A little faith
I was on my way to lunch today as a co-worker stopped me while I made my way out the door. I knew what was coming and cringed inside. She inquired about our upcoming move with with excitement in her eyes, "Are you getting excited for your big move? I bet you just can't wait to move to Germany!" I responded and told her calmly, "Well, right now I'm just taking it day by day. There's a lot to do for our move before I can be excited." Lately I've given that response through nearly gritted teeth as friends and family ask how our preparations are going.
I want so badly to respond to them and tell them how excited I am to experience a different culture and learn different traditions. I want to tell them how excited I was the night Ara came home to share the news of our move. I was in the kitchen cooking dinner and he asked how I'd feel if we got orders (to live) in Germany. I want to tell people that I jumped up and down and hugged Ara so giddily during that moment. I think about how excited I was the morning after "our news" was official. It was a Saturday morning and we were sitting on our couch looking at Google maps of the area we would soon call home and all of a sudden I had tears in my eyes. Happy, joyful tears, a immense of emotion that filled me up at the thought of how close in proximity we would soon be to a multitude of countries and cities that I only have dreamed of visiting.
Right now when I think about our upcoming move I have a far, distant memory of those exciting emotions that once took over my whole being. I got into my car to grab my lunch and soon after I started my drive, the song "Even If" by Mercy Me started playing. The lyrics seemed to jump out of the radio and straight into my heart as I drove. "They say sometimes you win some, sometimes you lose some...and right now, right now I'm losing bad. I've stood on this stage night after night reminding the broken it'll be alright. But right now, oh right now I just can't." I sat listening to the song and couldn't help but have tears start rolling down my face.
Right now, I feel like losing bad. Right now, I feel like I'm barely above water with our constant checklist of items to get done for the move. Every day there's tasks that need completed, big and small, to ensure we can safely and efficiently get moved in a timely manner. It takes so much time and patience and I'm wearing thin on both of those. There's car appts, appts to make for shipping our household goods, time off work to be at home for the days the goods get shipped, prepping for a garage sale, logistics to get our two cats on airplanes and safely into another country, time to make a cat think wearing a harness is fun...the list goes on and on and on right now it seems too much.
A move also means leaving a job I am truly passionate about. The past two days I've sat and listened to candidates interview for the position I am leaving. I can't help but feel a little broken as I sit and listen to a person who will potentially get to do a job that I still very much love. My job with Metro Parks Tacoma as the Community Outreach Coordinator has enriched me so much in the last two and a half years. Since marrying into the nomad military life it has been my goal to really immerse myself into the local community and build roots. I had no idea when I walked into the doors of our office location the amazing relationships with co-workers and community members that would come in less than three years. I'm leaving a place I truly feel like I belong.
It's hard not to feel defeated right now with all the things to do and "lasts" that keep happening in our current home. There's been a couple times in the last week that I've been given sweet little grace moments through friends I haven't even met or the lyrics from this song.
I've decided that right now instead of feeling like I'm losing bad, right now I'm choosing to have a little faith. I'm trying with all that I am to breathe deeply through the hard moments, to consciously stay present to what's happening in the here and now and not get bogged down with all the future "if's".
“They say it only takes a little faith to move a mountain, well good thing...a little faith is all I have, right now”
